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Everybody Reads Seattle Rex

Masala Grill and Bar - Sign Fixed

Proud to Be an Amarican

Masala Grill and Bar on Pike Street

Meet Pike Street’s newest grill.  And bar.

Masala Grill & Bar will soon open at Pike & 9th, and they promise to offer a cuisine few people have sampled.

I was going to speculate about how their new sign could have been made without anyone … without a single person … catching the obvious misspelling of our country’s name.

For once, however, I have nothing.

 

Planet Hollywood Comes to Seattle

8th and Pine Hilton Lights

Hilton’s latest property has been illuminated on the corner of 8th & Pine.

I don’t want to say that it looks out of place, but, well, judge for yourself.  Keep in mind that this is the bottom few floors of a 500′-ish, 40+ floor tower.

Honestly, it doesn’t look bad … I’ve walked past it the past few evenings, and it’s growing on me. Dare I say, it even looks pretty cool.  Located across the street from the historic Paramount Theater, however, it just looks out of place.

The price of progress I guess.

Continue reading Planet Hollywood Comes to Seattle

Dear Sweet Leaping Mother of Jesus the Jew

Fuck! What The Fuck? What the Bloody Fuck?

What the?

What the fuck did I just see?

What the fuck did I just see?

What the fuck did I just see?

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that supposed to be?

Why?

Why?

Who?

Why?

What the fuck was that?

It was like, a 3-headed gila monster or something.

It was like some three-headed creature from the depths of hell. It had three heads, and they were all weird. Like, bad-acid-at-work weird.  Like getting a random erection while watching Pokemon weird.  Like, stoned and suddenly having to poop, but

Continue reading Dear Sweet Leaping Mother of Jesus the Jew

Yeah Right

Lesbian Ben Bridge Commercial 2

So, a friend of mine was watching Hulu about an hour ago, when a commercial for Ben Bridge Jeweler came on.

“That’s weird”, she thought,” why is a mother giving jewelry to her adult daughter … no wait, that’s two sisters … no wait … ohhhhhhh … I see … they’re domestic partners … I mean husband and wife … I mean wife and wife … fuck it, they’re muff divers.  At least they’re supposed to be in the commercial.”

Ah yes, let the exploitation of gay marriage commence.

You know, it’s interesting, in 2008, Barack Obama came out opposed to

Continue reading Yeah Right

Get Your Hoe Ready

Daylight Savings Hoe

 

Yes, it’s that time of year again.

The time of year when a man grabs his hoe, throws ‘er over his shoulder, heads outside, and repeatedly slams that hoe into the ground for the betterment of his family and indeed, society.

Wait, oh, Daylight Savings Time just ended.

Never mind.

Don’t touch your hoe for the next 4 months, but then … well … you know the drill.

A Rare Quirky White Girl Sighting

Quirky White Girl

What is that?

That …

That thing over there …

See it?  Do you see it?

Right there, that thing in the water …

It’s a white woman on a surf board striking some strange look-at-me-no-don’t-look-at-me-you-creep-no-really-look-at-me pose …

Wait … is it, could it be … oh my God, it is, I can’t believe my eyes …

It’s a quirky white girl!  In Seattle no less! IT’S A QUIRKY WHITE GIRL IN SEATTLE!  And I actually have my camera on me!  Can you believe my luck?!!

While this may not sound like a big deal, a little perspective in

Continue reading A Rare Quirky White Girl Sighting

You’re Welcome?

Can't Have Nice Things Screenshot

On June 10th, 2013, I posted the following:

http://www.seattlerex.com/this-is-why-we-cant-have-nice-things/

 

Since that time, graffiti has appeared all over Seattle with the following message:

Coincidence?

Maybe, but the timing of it all is a little odd.  There is an older cat meme with the phrase, but I can’t find another example in search engines using: “can’t have nice things” +graffiti .

Perhaps it’s the same kind of “coincidence” as the tourism bureau’s “Only in Seattle” campaign that was borne after I’d spent a month titling posts with that line, or the local news outrage over the new parking meter failures,

Continue reading You’re Welcome?

Club Z’s New Slogan

Club Z

“You won’t walk right for days. We guarantee it.”

Pictured here is another satisfied customer. If you know what I mean.

 

The Passive-Aggressive Vandal

Passive-Aggressive Love

Ahhh, young newcomer love.  Our vandal here is so new to the city, that he/she has yet to realize that, once she feels inclined to do something else, Laura has no intention of “saying” anything.  That’s much too confrontational, not to mention, scary, what with mom back home in Twin Falls and all.

Better learn to take the hint, because a hint is all you’re ever going to get.  That’s what happens when you grow up having “playdates”, where every interaction with other people is governed by the watchful eye of a parental unit.  When it was time to go, the departure was

Continue reading The Passive-Aggressive Vandal

Real Niggaz Smoke Crack

Smoking Crack in Seattle

Alright ya pussies, you got marijuana legalized, but weed is for children. Amateurs. Precious suburban kids who, months prior, were sniffing glue.  That’s why it was legalized.  The suburban white people of the State of Washington just couldn’t in good conscience keep arresting suburban white kids.  If the decision to legalize it was purely ethics-based, they would have legalized all drugs.

Yes, pot is about as white suburban as a drug can be.  I know, I know, your favorite studio gangsta talks about smoking indo all the time, and you think it’s badass.

No, no wait … aren’t the G’s

Continue reading Real Niggaz Smoke Crack

Soundgarden Kickoff?

Soundgarden Kickoff 9-4-2014

Apparently Soundgarden is playing during the NFL’s Xbox Verizon kickoff on September 4th.

I’m not quite sure what this means, but the pigeons seem to like it.

I hope to figure this all out before the appointed date.

 

Another Dispatch from Western Civilization’s Decline

Head Up Ass

This is a fascinating time in American history.  We’re actually watching a culture commit suicide before our very eyes.

The hypocritical speech codes which ensure that only corporate-approved speech can be uttered over public airwaves, as the people who claim to support free speech stand around chanting “It’s not the government restricting speech, it’s the corporations!” … oblivious to the realization that they are one and the same, but not really caring because one-sided have already been passed prohibiting said corporations from restricting their free speech. (how’s that for a run-on sentence?)

Case in point, ESPN has suspended its third host

Continue reading Another Dispatch from Western Civilization’s Decline

You Might Be From The Suburbs …

Please Dont Ticket Car

 

Seattle.  A city comprised of 600,000 transplanted suburbanites. More passive-aggressive notes per square mile than all other cities in the USA combined.

I encountered the above notes today while walking on the same block.  The same block!

*sigh*

It looks like it’s time for another installment of “Seattle Rex’s Suburbanite Education Series”.  This one will be brief.

Dear Neighbors from Outer Culdesacia, I have a few tips to make your staycation more enjoyable, not just for yourself, but for everyone.

One note is passive-aggressive.  Two notes is obsessive-compulsive.  That was a comment, not a tip.  Here we

Continue reading You Might Be From The Suburbs …

Daily Dose of Awesomeness

Dominique Young Throw it Down Screenshot

You’re welcome.

Am I Crazy or is God Giving Seattle the Finger?

Cloud flipping off Downtown Seattle

Shit Seattleites Say

Shit Seattleites Say

What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?

Submarine in the Puget Sound

 

During my evening commute, while still in the middle of the sound, I felt the captain throw the ferry into reverse thrust.  When I looked out of the window to see what was going on, I spotted what looked like a gigantic whale.  I gathered my things and headed to the bow of the boat, and when I got there, I noticed that the “whale” was in fact a submarine.

I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the Puget Sound, and I’ve seen thousands of different vessels on that body of water, but this was a first for

Continue reading What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?

“You Geese Don’t Look Like You’re From Around Here”

Seattle Police Boat in Lake Union

“If you ask me, you look like a couple of them ‘Canadian’ geese.”

I took this photo moments before they got taken in for obstruction.

 

 

Summer Break in Seattle

Jumper

Jumper

When I get the standard reply from suburban soccermoms, I just politely concede my children’s disadvantage.

“They don’t have a yard?  They share a room? You don’t have a car?”

“You’re right”, I say sheepishly, “You’re right.  Next year, we’re going to.”

I lie.

They don’t understand, they can’t understand, nor do I want them to.  Instead, I play up the “poor us” angle.  It makes honkies feel better about themselves.

Two generations of white flight has left the vast majority of suburban Americans completely ignorant of urban life.  “What if they get mugged?”, is another oft-repeated question, which

Continue reading Summer Break in Seattle

Doh!

Deer Grazing

A deer!

A Female Deer!

Alright, I have no idea if this is a female deer or not.

At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

When I spotted this deer outside my office window today, it’s not like I ran over and inspected its genitalia.

Because that would be, you know, weird and stuff.

So, I didn’t do it.

Seriously.

Fine, it ran away before I got the chance, but when I said I didn’t do it, I wasn’t lying.

I don’t fornicate with animals!

Continue reading Doh!

Century Square, You Might Be a Redneck …

Century Square Boarded Window

Conclusive Proof That Canadians are Homophobic

Airplane Pulling "Happy RPIDE" Sign

Happy Rpide Day, eh hosers!

 

The Mystery Machine

Mystery Coke Machine

 

Pfffft!

Yeah, right, like someone’s going to plug seventy five cents into a soda machine that has “Mystery” written on all of its buttons in crazy serial killer letters.

I mean, us Seattleites may be naive, but we weren’t born yest …

Really?

*sigh* … Alright then, I stand corrected.

I didn’t know whether to jeer or applaud when this woman got nothing out of this machine standing just east of Broadway & John St.  Instead, all part of me could think was “Half of the world’s population lives on less than a dollar per day, and this lady just

Continue reading The Mystery Machine

Really?

Kim Kardashian Android Game

Flying Fishbeater

The Flying Fishbeater

While waiting at the dock this evening, I spotted an unusual bird sitting on a rail.  The bird was bobbing its head and flailing about, so I grabbed my camera and zoomed in to see what was happening.

What I saw made my stomach churn.

It was a hideously ugly bird, and it was beating the everloving shit out of some helpless fish.  The bird was holding the fish in its beak, and each time the fish flinched, the bird slammed the fish against the rail.  In that split second, I named the bird “Ike” and the fish “Tina”.

Continue reading Flying Fishbeater

Location, Location, Location

Ferry Dock Seagull Nest

The three most important aspects of real estate have been completely lost on our avian brethren.

For the past month, each time my boat has docked in Seattle, there has been a calamity at the front of the boat.  As it turns out, there is one particular seagull who decided that the best place to build her nest, was on a boat bumper.  A boat bumper  for the nation’s largest ferry fleet, no less.  Clearly, this is a bird with aspirations for the Seattle City Council.

Each time the gigantic boat docks, the seagull flies into a rage, screeching to

Continue reading Location, Location, Location

Worst. Vacation. Ever.

Big Bone Lick State Park

Reality Check

Color Me Tongue

As a fairly prototypical member of “Generation X”, I have a certain amount of nostalgia for the 90’s.

Humans are interesting creatures in that they tend to romanticize things they survived, even if those things sucked.  Witness the numerous groups of war veterans who are stuck in whatever decade in which people were actively trying to kill them, or the high school re-union phenomenon where people actually want to re-meet the self-absorbed assholes they had to share a classroom with 20 years prior.

When we emerge alive and semi-sane from a trying period, we tend to look back on that

Continue reading Reality Check

Slide Over Ving Rhames

Ving Rhames

Man that only took like, 5 years to figure out.

I have a weird periodically-photographic memory for musical things.  For instance, I may have heard a song once when I was six years old, then all of a sudden, decades later, I’ll start singing it, yet have no idea what it is or where I’ve heard it.  I’ve heard a song on the radio one time, then years later, it will pop into my head, and I’ll sing three complete verses word-for-word while I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing.  I don’t even have to like the song

Continue reading Slide Over Ving Rhames