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Dear Women of Seattle, No Really!

Le Parisienne Storefront w Paranoid Woman

Not long ago I wrote about my experiences with the pathologically narcissistic women of the Pacific Northwest.  I took a little heat, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … I’d rather be right than popular.  And I am.

Case in point …

Yesterday, I stopped at La Parisienne in Belltown to get some things to take home, and while waiting, I decided to get a storefront shot for a later review.  Here it is:

Alright, it’s nothing special, but it’s my picture and I’m happy with it.

As I’m setting up, not even in shooting

Continue reading Dear Women of Seattle, No Really!

Scenes from the 2014 Bite of Seattle

Dancin' Fool at the 2014 Bite of Seattle

The 2014 Bite of Seattle is upon us, and yesterday, we walked over to the festivities to check it out.

It was crowded, a little too crowded at times, but fun nonetheless. I ate more stuff than I care to remember, about twenty percent of which was actually edible.

The real draw, as usual, was the music, which, although I never happened to be present when the band names were announced, was really good.

Fortunately, the temperatures cooled off a bit, sparing me from both food poisoning and a nose full of B.O. Fine, I wasn’t really “spared” from either,

Continue reading Scenes from the 2014 Bite of Seattle

Am I Crazy or is God Giving Seattle the Finger?

Cloud flipping off Downtown Seattle

Then There Were Two

New Lanes on Pike Street

Downtown motorists were caught somewhat off-guard this past week when Pike Street became a veritable parking lot during the evening rush hour.

The reason for the backup?

The far right lane of travel east of 5th Avenue has been converted to a bus-only lane. Because of this, as you can see here, both rightmost lanes between 4th & 5th Avenues are now right-turn only.

This is probably beneficial for drivers, as well as near-downtown residents, as the majority of people heading east on Pike are heading for the freeway to leave Seattle. Speaking for all of us down here,

Continue reading Then There Were Two

Shit Seattleites Say

Shit Seattleites Say

What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?

Submarine in the Puget Sound

 

During my evening commute, while still in the middle of the sound, I felt the captain throw the ferry into reverse thrust.  When I looked out of the window to see what was going on, I spotted what looked like a gigantic whale.  I gathered my things and headed to the bow of the boat, and when I got there, I noticed that the “whale” was in fact a submarine.

I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the Puget Sound, and I’ve seen thousands of different vessels on that body of water, but this was a first for

Continue reading What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?

Reflected

The Moon and The Space Needle. Reflected.

The Moon and The Space Needle. Reflected.

The MEattle, er, Seattle 2014 July 4th Fireworks

4th of July Fireworks 2014

 

When I realized that Washington would be one of the first states in the union to legalize marijuana, I had some concerns.

Not because I thought it should remain illegal, no, the War on Some Drugs When Used by Poor People is nuts.  Instead, I was concerned because I didn’t think the least considerate state in the country would be good torchbearers for the new policy.

The nation’s eyes are on our fair state to see how legalization will play out in normal, polite society, and as I stood outside with my family watching the fireworks last night,

Continue reading The MEattle, er, Seattle 2014 July 4th Fireworks

“You Geese Don’t Look Like You’re From Around Here”

Seattle Police Boat in Lake Union

“If you ask me, you look like a couple of them ‘Canadian’ geese.”

I took this photo moments before they got taken in for obstruction.

 

 

Summer Break in Seattle

Jumper

Jumper

When I get the standard reply from suburban soccermoms, I just politely concede my children’s disadvantage.

“They don’t have a yard?  They share a room? You don’t have a car?”

“You’re right”, I say sheepishly, “You’re right.  Next year, we’re going to.”

I lie.

They don’t understand, they can’t understand, nor do I want them to.  Instead, I play up the “poor us” angle.  It makes honkies feel better about themselves.

Two generations of white flight has left the vast majority of suburban Americans completely ignorant of urban life.  “What if they get mugged?”, is another oft-repeated question, which

Continue reading Summer Break in Seattle

Doh!

Deer Grazing

A deer!

A Female Deer!

Alright, I have no idea if this is a female deer or not.

At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

When I spotted this deer outside my office window today, it’s not like I ran over and inspected its genitalia.

Because that would be, you know, weird and stuff.

So, I didn’t do it.

Seriously.

Fine, it ran away before I got the chance, but when I said I didn’t do it, I wasn’t lying.

I don’t fornicate with animals!

Continue reading Doh!

Pictures from the Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2014

Jesus Christ is a Great Savior

I just got back from the Gay Pride parade.

It was cool, and it was entertaining in spots … it usually is, but this year more than any other, I felt as if I were watching a really, really long commercial.

I kind of was.

As the corporate groups passed by, one of the guys MC’ing the parade appeared to be reading an advertising copy for the companies … Alaskan Airlines, Uber, and at one point, we were even encouraged to “Let’s hear it for Starbucks!”

Despite the whole “progressive” routine, we Seattleites love large corporations like few other cities.

Continue reading Pictures from the Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2014

Century Square, You Might Be a Redneck …

Century Square Boarded Window

Seattle Gay Pride 2014

The 2012 Seattle Gay Pride Parade

Stereotypes? What Stereotypes? I don’t see any stereotypes?

Did you know that cherry trees only produce fruit after a long cold-spell?

It’s true.  This is why cherries grow in British Columbia, but don’t grow in the tropics.

You see, the cherry tree is extremely averse to procreating in autumn, because it “knows” that its offspring will not survive the winter.  In order to improve the odds of its species’ survival, the cherry tree waits until after cold weather passes before procreating.

Survival of the species.  It’s one of the strongest instincts on earth.  It’s so strong that it’s even

Continue reading Seattle Gay Pride 2014

The Mystery Machine

Mystery Coke Machine

 

Pfffft!

Yeah, right, like someone’s going to plug seventy five cents into a soda machine that has “Mystery” written on all of its buttons in crazy serial killer letters.

I mean, us Seattleites may be naive, but we weren’t born yest …

Really?

*sigh* … Alright then, I stand corrected.

I didn’t know whether to jeer or applaud when this woman got nothing out of this machine standing just east of Broadway & John St.  Instead, all part of me could think was “Half of the world’s population lives on less than a dollar per day, and this lady just

Continue reading The Mystery Machine

Picture of the Day: Seattle

The Seattle Skyline from Kerry Park on June 21, 2014

The Seattle Skyline from Kerry Park on June 21, 2014

Sunset Over Queen Anne Hill

Queen Anne Hill During Sunset

Queen Anne Hill at Sunset

 

Buzz Osborne … Unplugged?

Buzz Osbourne @ Neumos - June 20, 2014

World’s Worst Photo of Anything Ever

Buzz Osborne. King Buzzo. Guy with the greatest hair in … well, the greatest hair anywhere.

As a prototypical member of what became known as “Generation X”, I hold a certain reverence for Buzz.  When the music of my generation was being molded, Buzz was there, spinning the pottery wheel, yelling “Loosen the top string!  Yeah, the fat one on top!  Alright, now slow it down a little!”

Oh sure, it had been done before, but when Buzz began experimenting with drop-D noise, it just sounded better.  It made me want to try

Continue reading Buzz Osborne … Unplugged?

Flying Fishbeater

The Flying Fishbeater

While waiting at the dock this evening, I spotted an unusual bird sitting on a rail.  The bird was bobbing its head and flailing about, so I grabbed my camera and zoomed in to see what was happening.

What I saw made my stomach churn.

It was a hideously ugly bird, and it was beating the everloving shit out of some helpless fish.  The bird was holding the fish in its beak, and each time the fish flinched, the bird slammed the fish against the rail.  In that split second, I named the bird “Ike” and the fish “Tina”.

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Location, Location, Location

Ferry Dock Seagull Nest

The three most important aspects of real estate have been completely lost on our avian brethren.

For the past month, each time my boat has docked in Seattle, there has been a calamity at the front of the boat.  As it turns out, there is one particular seagull who decided that the best place to build her nest, was on a boat bumper.  A boat bumper  for the nation’s largest ferry fleet, no less.  Clearly, this is a bird with aspirations for the Seattle City Council.

Each time the gigantic boat docks, the seagull flies into a rage, screeching to

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The Answer

Bald Eagle in the Puget Sound

WARNING! Before I go any further, it is very important that readers from California use this link to view the current article.  There is a known virus going around which, for some reason, only targets computers with a geolocated California IP address.  Because of this, I’ve created a section of the website which has neutralized this threat.  Failure to use this link from California may result in rapid virus propagation, inflicting all nearby computers with malware and all kinds of other badness.  Again, Californians, please use this link:

California version of this blog post

 

“Why do you

Continue reading The Answer

Evolution Aborted

Hula Hooping Wedding Dress Guy in Cal Anderson Park

Chronological Adults in Cal Anderson Park

My kid just came back from a birthday party, and I am perplexed.

The party was cool enough, and everyone seemed to have fun, however, when my daughter began recounting her experiences during the ‘games’ portion of the party, I thought she was putting me on.

“We played games for about two hours.”, she said.

“Cool, how did you do?”, I asked.

“Well, everyone did the same.”, she replied as she rolled her eyes.

She told me about the egg and spoon race, where each child had to race around a course while

Continue reading Evolution Aborted

Photo of the Day: My Erect Instrument

Seattle Rex's Guitar

Seattle Rex’s Instrument

The City Council Votes to Annihilate the Working-Class. Again.

Raise Minimum Wage to $15 Rally in Westlake Park

Raise Minimum Wage to $15 Rally in Westlake Park

If you think it’s expensive to live in Seattle now, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

In perhaps the single largest repayment of bribes Seattle has ever seen, today, the City Council KY-ed the sphincter of every middle-and-lower-class Seattleite, bent them over, and spread their cheeks wider than the town’s ever-growing income gap.

Oh yes, my fellow middle-class urbanites, we’re about to get loved from the backside by every hipster hotel builder from here to Timbuktu, and it’s only going to be about half as fun as it sounds.

In a unanimous

Continue reading The City Council Votes to Annihilate the Working-Class. Again.

Subjugation on the Sound

Coast Guard Gun Boat

“Oh my God”, said the teenaged tourist girl, “what’s going on? What’s happening?”

I looked up from my computer, and noticed that she was looking out of the window with concern. Curious, I looked out of the window as well, and that’s when I spotted the object of her fear.

Coast Guard Gun Boat on the Puget Sound

It was small inflatable boat with a comically-large gun mounted on the front. Behind the gun was a person standing with his finger on the trigger, ready to annihilate … a fish? an orca? a kayaker? a drunken tourist on an

Continue reading Subjugation on the Sound

Flight to Mars 2014

Paul and Tim

Last night was Mike McCready’s annual benefit concert at the Showbox.  This was the 12th Annual benefit show for the CCFA (Crohns & Colitis Foundation of America) and my 2nd in a row.

So far, these shows have been fairly consistent, and always excellent.  After an opening act, followed by an always-excellent jam session with local musicians, Flight to Mars takes the stage for a 90-ish minute set.

For those who may not know, Flight to Mars is a local band which mostly plays covers from classic English metal band “UFO”.  While this may not sound terribly compelling on paper, believe me

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Guarding the Egg

Seagull Parents Guarding Nest

Seagull Parents Guarding Nest

As it turns out, not all beings in Seattle are ©”Too Selfish to Have Kids”.

Perhaps the majority of humans are, but as this seagull couple show, some of us are still okay with putting the mackdown smackdown on a fly hoo-haa and watching as the expulsion of our gonadonal love lava furthers the survival of our species.

That being said, while I used to somewhat worry about the large decrease in offspring by the supposed intellectually elite, no longer is this the case.

Last month, we threw a birthday part for my daughter, and

Continue reading Guarding the Egg

Pike Street

Pike Street

Pike Street

The Seattle Aquarium

Goldfish Swimming with Sea Anemone

The Seattle Aquarium

As a season pass-holder to the Seattle Aquarium, I spend quite a bit of time at this attraction.

For a city of “only” 600,000 people, ours is an aquarium befitting a significantly larger city. For the most part, we have it all.

We’ve got touch tanks, seals, sea otters, an octopus, and all kinds of weird things I wouldn’t even try to pronounce.

I took a few photos on my last visit, the results of which are on this page. (photos from a previous visit are here)

The Seattle Aquarium is open from 9:30am – 6pm

Continue reading The Seattle Aquarium

Sakura-Con 2014

Sakura-Con 2014: Madonna

Sakura-Con 2014: Main Hall

I don’t understand white people. Seriously. I am to white people what Tiger Woods is to black people.

For instance, I’ve never been camping. I’ve been invited, but I never wanted anything to do with it. Trust me, if you’ve ever spent a night sleeping on the New York City Subway because you didn’t have a place to go home to, you thank your lucky stars each and every day you have a king-sized bed, five computers, a quiet place to shit, and a door that locks. You sure as hell don’t leave it all

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