“They aren’t growing up with a back yarrrd! Won’t they miss not having a back yarrrrd?”
They have one.
As far as my kids are concerned, Lake Union is their personal over-sized swimming pool, complete with a diving board shaped like a bridge. Not to mention, a lawn sprinkler on crack.
On a different note … it’s a shame, but ever since this incident, I’ve been paranoid to take photographs with kids in them. I guess that’s the whole point, though. Fear.
Stay scared, everyone. Your country depends on it.
Continue reading Summer in the City
While sorting through my photos this evening, I was reminded of a couple of guys who stole the show last weekend at the Bite of Seattle.
During one band’s set, two guys from the audience had proceeded to, uh, dance.
While they were obviously being goofy, they actually had talent. For instance, the guy in the white did a dive, transitioned into a breakdance two-step, then did a few baby swipes before getting back up and spazzing out. The guy in blue, well, the guy in blue reminded me of who Flava Flav would be were he white.
Continue reading Dancin’ Fools
Legend has it that at the end of a rainbow sits a pot of gold with enough of the precious metal to spring a murderous white girl from an Italian prison as her less wealthy co-conspirator rots in jail while said white girl enjoys the support of the supposedly-liberal Seattle establishment despite the fact that the first thing she did when confronted by authorities was throw a black guy under the bus like the Grand Fucking Wizard of the KKK proving once again that white rich and female still trumps negro every goddamn time regardless of the pee cee
Continue reading Rainbow Over West Seattle
Not long ago I wrote about my experiences with the pathologically narcissistic women of the Pacific Northwest. I took a little heat, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … I’d rather be right than popular. And I am.
Case in point …
Yesterday, I stopped at La Parisienne in Belltown to get some things to take home, and while waiting, I decided to get a storefront shot for a later review. Here it is:
Alright, it’s nothing special, but it’s my picture and I’m happy with it.
As I’m setting up, not even in shooting
Continue reading Dear Women of Seattle, No Really!
The 2014 Bite of Seattle is upon us, and yesterday, we walked over to the festivities to check it out.
It was crowded, a little too crowded at times, but fun nonetheless. I ate more stuff than I care to remember, about twenty percent of which was actually edible.
The real draw, as usual, was the music, which, although I never happened to be present when the band names were announced, was really good.
Fortunately, the temperatures cooled off a bit, sparing me from both food poisoning and a nose full of B.O. Fine, I wasn’t really “spared” from either,
Continue reading Scenes from the 2014 Bite of Seattle
Downtown motorists were caught somewhat off-guard this past week when Pike Street became a veritable parking lot during the evening rush hour.
The reason for the backup?
The far right lane of travel east of 5th Avenue has been converted to a bus-only lane. Because of this, as you can see here, both rightmost lanes between 4th & 5th Avenues are now right-turn only.
This is probably beneficial for drivers, as well as near-downtown residents, as the majority of people heading east on Pike are heading for the freeway to leave Seattle. Speaking for all of us down here,
Continue reading Then There Were Two
During my evening commute, while still in the middle of the sound, I felt the captain throw the ferry into reverse thrust. When I looked out of the window to see what was going on, I spotted what looked like a gigantic whale. I gathered my things and headed to the bow of the boat, and when I got there, I noticed that the “whale” was in fact a submarine.
I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the Puget Sound, and I’ve seen thousands of different vessels on that body of water, but this was a first for
Continue reading What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?
The Moon and The Space Needle. Reflected.
When I realized that Washington would be one of the first states in the union to legalize marijuana, I had some concerns.
Not because I thought it should remain illegal, no, the War on Some Drugs When Used by Poor People is nuts. Instead, I was concerned because I didn’t think the least considerate state in the country would be good torchbearers for the new policy.
The nation’s eyes are on our fair state to see how legalization will play out in normal, polite society, and as I stood outside with my family watching the fireworks last night,
Continue reading The MEattle, er, Seattle 2014 July 4th Fireworks
“If you ask me, you look like a couple of them ‘Canadian’ geese.”
I took this photo moments before they got taken in for obstruction.
When I get the standard reply from suburban soccermoms, I just politely concede my children’s disadvantage.
“They don’t have a yard? They share a room? You don’t have a car?”
“You’re right”, I say sheepishly, “You’re right. Next year, we’re going to.”
They don’t understand, they can’t understand, nor do I want them to. Instead, I play up the “poor us” angle. It makes honkies feel better about themselves.
Two generations of white flight has left the vast majority of suburban Americans completely ignorant of urban life. “What if they get mugged?”, is another oft-repeated question, which
Continue reading Summer Break in Seattle
A Female Deer!
Alright, I have no idea if this is a female deer or not.
At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
When I spotted this deer outside my office window today, it’s not like I ran over and inspected its genitalia.
Because that would be, you know, weird and stuff.
So, I didn’t do it.
Fine, it ran away before I got the chance, but when I said I didn’t do it, I wasn’t lying.
I don’t fornicate with animals!
Continue reading Doh!
I just got back from the Gay Pride parade.
It was cool, and it was entertaining in spots … it usually is, but this year more than any other, I felt as if I were watching a really, really long commercial.
I kind of was.
As the corporate groups passed by, one of the guys MC’ing the parade appeared to be reading an advertising copy for the companies … Alaskan Airlines, Uber, and at one point, we were even encouraged to “Let’s hear it for Starbucks!”
Despite the whole “progressive” routine, we Seattleites love large corporations like few other cities.
Continue reading Pictures from the Seattle Gay Pride Parade 2014
Stereotypes? What Stereotypes? I don’t see any stereotypes?
Did you know that cherry trees only produce fruit after a long cold-spell?
It’s true. This is why cherries grow in British Columbia, but don’t grow in the tropics.
You see, the cherry tree is extremely averse to procreating in autumn, because it “knows” that its offspring will not survive the winter. In order to improve the odds of its species’ survival, the cherry tree waits until after cold weather passes before procreating.
Survival of the species. It’s one of the strongest instincts on earth. It’s so strong that it’s even
Continue reading Seattle Gay Pride 2014
Yeah, right, like someone’s going to plug seventy five cents into a soda machine that has “Mystery” written on all of its buttons in crazy serial killer letters.
I mean, us Seattleites may be naive, but we weren’t born yest …
*sigh* … Alright then, I stand corrected.
I didn’t know whether to jeer or applaud when this woman got nothing out of this machine standing just east of Broadway & John St. Instead, all part of me could think was “Half of the world’s population lives on less than a dollar per day, and this lady just
Continue reading The Mystery Machine
The Seattle Skyline from Kerry Park on June 21, 2014
Queen Anne Hill at Sunset
World’s Worst Photo of Anything Ever
Buzz Osborne. King Buzzo. Guy with the greatest hair in … well, the greatest hair anywhere.
As a prototypical member of what became known as “Generation X”, I hold a certain reverence for Buzz. When the music of my generation was being molded, Buzz was there, spinning the pottery wheel, yelling “Loosen the top string! Yeah, the fat one on top! Alright, now slow it down a little!”
Oh sure, it had been done before, but when Buzz began experimenting with drop-D noise, it just sounded better. It made me want to try
Continue reading Buzz Osborne … Unplugged?
While waiting at the dock this evening, I spotted an unusual bird sitting on a rail. The bird was bobbing its head and flailing about, so I grabbed my camera and zoomed in to see what was happening.
What I saw made my stomach churn.
It was a hideously ugly bird, and it was beating the everloving shit out of some helpless fish. The bird was holding the fish in its beak, and each time the fish flinched, the bird slammed the fish against the rail. In that split second, I named the bird “Ike” and the fish “Tina”.
Continue reading Flying Fishbeater
The three most important aspects of real estate have been completely lost on our avian brethren.
For the past month, each time my boat has docked in Seattle, there has been a calamity at the front of the boat. As it turns out, there is one particular seagull who decided that the best place to build her nest, was on a boat bumper. A boat bumper for the nation’s largest ferry fleet, no less. Clearly, this is a bird with aspirations for the Seattle City Council.
Each time the gigantic boat docks, the seagull flies into a rage, screeching to
Continue reading Location, Location, Location
WARNING! Before I go any further, it is very important that readers from California use this link to view the current article. There is a known virus going around which, for some reason, only targets computers with a geolocated California IP address. Because of this, I’ve created a section of the website which has neutralized this threat. Failure to use this link from California may result in rapid virus propagation, inflicting all nearby computers with malware and all kinds of other badness. Again, Californians, please use this link:
California version of this blog post
“Why do you
Continue reading The Answer
Chronological Adults in Cal Anderson Park
My kid just came back from a birthday party, and I am perplexed.
The party was cool enough, and everyone seemed to have fun, however, when my daughter began recounting her experiences during the ‘games’ portion of the party, I thought she was putting me on.
“We played games for about two hours.”, she said.
“Cool, how did you do?”, I asked.
“Well, everyone did the same.”, she replied as she rolled her eyes.
She told me about the egg and spoon race, where each child had to race around a course while
Continue reading Evolution Aborted
Seattle Rex’s Instrument
Raise Minimum Wage to $15 Rally in Westlake Park
If you think it’s expensive to live in Seattle now, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
In perhaps the single largest repayment of bribes Seattle has ever seen, today, the City Council KY-ed the sphincter of every middle-and-lower-class Seattleite, bent them over, and spread their cheeks wider than the town’s ever-growing income gap.
Oh yes, my fellow middle-class urbanites, we’re about to get loved from the backside by every hipster hotel builder from here to Timbuktu, and it’s only going to be about half as fun as it sounds.
In a unanimous
Continue reading The City Council Votes to Annihilate the Working-Class. Again.
“Oh my God”, said the teenaged tourist girl, “what’s going on? What’s happening?”
I looked up from my computer, and noticed that she was looking out of the window with concern. Curious, I looked out of the window as well, and that’s when I spotted the object of her fear.
Coast Guard Gun Boat on the Puget Sound
It was small inflatable boat with a comically-large gun mounted on the front. Behind the gun was a person standing with his finger on the trigger, ready to annihilate … a fish? an orca? a kayaker? a drunken tourist on an
Continue reading Subjugation on the Sound