I took these photos on Friday evening, and while “developing” them today, I noticed something odd.
Now, it may be the weird mushroom I found in my omelette this morning, but I see a face in the photo below. It looks kind of like a chimpanzee with a big nose, or perhaps an ancient Aztec warrior made of stone … or maybe … just maybe … if you tilt your head just right … Sticky Fingaz from Onyx.
Frankly, I don’t know who/what it is, or what it may want, but I do know one thing, and that’s how to
Continue reading The Man in the Space Needle Reflection
It’s been said, often by me personally, that the TV show “Friends” killed the American city.
Decades of white flight left inner-urban areas relatively diverse and downright affordable. Then, ‘Friends’ gained an audience, and before you knew it, there was a coffee shop on every street corner, and every other rental ad touted its proximity to nearby coffee shops, if it didn’t simply mention the TV show by name. I actually saw scores of ads that looked something like this:
“3br, 2ba, close to nightlife & coffee shops. Great for roommates. It’s just like Friends!”
For the urban working-class,
Continue reading Starbucks Reserve Roastery & Tasting Room … wait … what?
Oh no, my friends.
What you are looking at is not a Pussy Destroyer.
What you currently have fixated within your gaze …
Is a Pussy Obliterator.
Once those fine-ass threads hit the floor, it’s all over.
Boom, bap, poof, it’s gone.
“Where’d my baby-maker go?”, you’ll wonder, but it will be too late. All that will be left for you to do, is pick up the phone, call your mother, and say “Sorry, Mom, but you’ll never be a grandmother like I promised … I’ve been the victim of the Pussy Obliterator”.
You have been warned.
Continue reading Pussy Destroyer?
How small must his heart be to steal power from Christmas lights?
That’s right, homelice here was out of power for his phone/mp3 player, so he stopped to charge it from an outlet on the Christmas lights.
Is nothing sacred?
Does the spirit of Christmas mean nothing any more?
We’re supposed to be giving this time of year, not taking, yet here this guy is, taking power away from the people. That money could be used to buy enemas for baby kittens or some shit, but does he care?
Not at all.
Fine, we’re talking pennies in power here,
Continue reading Power From the People
Still loved after all these years, eh fellas?
This sign has been taped to a pole in the 8th & Olive/Howell triangle for about 2 weeks now.
Alas, the annual Figgy Pudding Festival, highest holy day on the White Bourgeoisie calendar, went off on Friday without a hitch. Cops were everywhere, and there was not a single, solitary mohawk in sight. Woo-Hoo!
Why is Figgy Pudding so special to upper-middle-class whites and the upper-middle-class whites at heart (Asian girls I’m looking at you)?
Are you kidding?
Singing Christmas carols, on the downtown streets of a major city, to benefit the homeless, while the homeless are kept far, far away?
We’re talking urban adventure without the risk, an audience of thousands watching you sing like Whitney, and
Continue reading Whitefest 2014
Figgy Pudding in Westlake Center
It could not have possibly been more clear.
Lest anyone have a shred of doubt about the sincerity of Seattle’s Ferguson Protestors, that doubt no longer exists. The “leader” of the group has finally admitted what the rest of us knew all along.
“We don’t care.”
Tonight, the annual Figgy Pudding fundraiser will take place in and around Westlake Center, and true to self-centered, “screw the poor, it’s all about me and my affluent friends” form, Fauxhawk and his band of Merry Suburbanites are having another playdate.
Organizers of a longtime holiday tradition in downtown
Continue reading Seattle Protestors Finally Confess: We Don’t Care About Anyone But Ourselves
Westlake Center is to Seattle what Rockefeller Center is to New York City, and as you might imagine, the Westlake Tree is our version of the Rock Center Tree.
Of course, ours is far nicer, given that it’s located in Seattle. Say what you will, but I can’t imagine a few extra feet of tree compensating for the fact that you’re not in the nation’s greatest city. In fact, the only thing I would say that NYC has over Seattle, is that it has fewer New Yorkers. Ever since Hipster Number One discovered Brooklyn, natives have been leaving
Continue reading The 2014 Westlake Center Christmas Tree
Child Bullying, minority displacing, priapism curing, emotionally-stunted, psychopathic, pathetic cowards on the lookout for grown-ups or anyone who might be able to fight back.
You know, I’ve taken on the local protest groups quite a bit in the pages of my blog, but I’ve always done so as a protestor myself, and there’s always been at least some element of tongue-in-cheek expression in my opposition. Despite my criticism of their sincerity, I’ve always maintained some level of hope that I was wrong about them, and I’ve always felt a tiny bit of, even if it is not always palpable,
Continue reading A Cowardly Christmas Spawns a Wake-up Call
They’re bored as hell, and they’re not going to take it any more!
Believe it or not, I had to work today.
Yes, yes, I know, I know, working is sooooo proletariat, and therefore so un-nuevo-Seattle, but somebody’s gotta do it. If the economy collapses, the trust fund checks stop, and then the outraged class will really have something to complain about.
As I made my way back to the office from lunch, I got caught in the trust-fund social event as it made its way from Westlake Park to the U.S. Courthouse.
Folks, do you know what an organized,
Continue reading Seattle’s Ferguson Social Parade
Meet Pike Street’s newest grill. And bar.
Masala Grill & Bar will soon open at Pike & 9th, and they promise to offer a cuisine few people have sampled.
I was going to speculate about how their new sign could have been made without anyone … without a single person … catching the obvious misspelling of our country’s name.
For once, however, I have nothing.
Same street, same day, one block apart, one blink and you can’t tell which is which.
The fate of kids and canines look remarkably similar these days. Both species wistfully gaze out of the street-level glass cages in which they are dropped off each morning, eagerly awaiting the return of the human who calls itself “mommy” or “daddy”.
It begs the question … have we begun treating dogs like kids, or kids like dogs?
“What’s the difference?”, most Generation Y’ers would ask, and that’s where scenes like those above start making perfect sense.
When an entire generation equates pet
Continue reading Same Difference
Portland. A place so pretentious, that people come to Seattle for authenticity.
Portland used to be cool. Then, as the wage gap widened over the past decade, the offspring of the wealthy moved in, kicked the cool out, and before you knew it, the town was flooded with vinegar and water.
Now, you can’t walk down a Portland street without being beaten over the head by manufactured quirkiness.
“Look everyone, that guy is riding a unicycle, isn’t he quirky?”
“Look everyone, that girl has a donut-sized ear piercing, isn’t she quirky?”
Call me crazy, but Portland was way more quirky
Continue reading That Quirky Portland
I took a few monorail shots this weekend. Some of them are on this page. Some of them aren’t. Here are the ones that are.
Trains are buses for white people.
Monorails are trains for tourists.
Cutting right through the heart of Belltown and Midtown, as tourist’s trains go, Seattle’s is by far the coolest in the world.
At $2.25 each way, with no round-trip discount, it’s also the most profitable.
Continue reading Monorail Shots
Hilton’s latest property has been illuminated on the corner of 8th & Pine.
I don’t want to say that it looks out of place, but, well, judge for yourself. Keep in mind that this is the bottom few floors of a 500′-ish, 40+ floor tower.
Honestly, it doesn’t look bad … I’ve walked past it the past few evenings, and it’s growing on me. Dare I say, it even looks pretty cool. Located across the street from the historic Paramount Theater, however, it just looks out of place.
The price of progress I guess.
Continue reading Planet Hollywood Comes to Seattle
I’m happy to report that the First Annual Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night was a rousing success. It was so successful, in fact, that the organizers have decided to host a Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night each and every year, at the same exact place, 3928 1st Avenue S, Seattle WA 98134.
To those of you arriving by search engine over the next 12 months, let me ask you a question … don’t these pictures look fun?
Of course they look fun! Fun is what Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night is all about.
If you missed SSHFN this year, you have a good excuse.
Continue reading Scenes From Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night 2014
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Seattle could easily be the richest city in the world. Since everyone more or less agrees that we have the world’s worst drivers, and since they’re not leaving anytime soon, all we’d ever need revenue-wise, is to ticket said shitty drivers.
It would be like printing money.
Let me say that again.
IT WOULD LITERALLY BE LIKE PRINTING MONEY!
Well, somebody in City Hall must have heard me, because for the past week, local law enforcement agencies have been on a mission. Everywhere I look, cops are pulling
Continue reading Shooting Fish in a Barrell
From a musical perspective, I’ve lived through interesting times. Although I was but a child during some of them, I’ve been alive to witness the birth, or early years at the very least, of such diverse genres as heavy metal, progressive rock, funk, glam, disco, punk, hardcore punk, hip-hop, new wave, electronic, house, dubstep, trip-hop, noise/grunge/alternative, and whatever the fuck the last 15 years have given us (shit?).
I’ve witnessed the rise of a few of these genres first-hand, most notably hip-hop, hardcore punk, alt/”grunge”, and a regional music genre known as “Go-Go”. The latter is a genre which
Continue reading Breakin’, Boogaloo Shrimp, White People, and Hip-Hop History at EMP
Kids of all ages stay for free @ 3928 1ST AVENUE S, SEATTLE WA 98134
You know, it can suck being the most popular blogger on the Internet.
Okay, the most popular blogger in Seattle.
Alright, the most popular blogger named Rex in Seattle.
Fine, the most popular blogger named Rex in Seattle who routinely nails your mother doggy-style while drinking the boiled urine of a three-toed sloth.
Even though I’m not Mr. Popularity (probably because I claim to fuck everyone’s mother all the time), millions of people annually still find their way to my website for one reason
Continue reading Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night 2014!!!
What is that?
That thing over there …
See it? Do you see it?
Right there, that thing in the water …
It’s a white woman on a surf board striking some strange look-at-me-no-don’t-look-at-me-you-creep-no-really-look-at-me pose …
Wait … is it, could it be … oh my God, it is, I can’t believe my eyes …
It’s a quirky white girl! In Seattle no less! IT’S A QUIRKY WHITE GIRL IN SEATTLE! And I actually have my camera on me! Can you believe my luck?!!
While this may not sound like a big deal, a little perspective in
Continue reading A Rare Quirky White Girl Sighting
On June 10th, 2013, I posted the following:
Since that time, graffiti has appeared all over Seattle with the following message:
Maybe, but the timing of it all is a little odd. There is an older cat meme with the phrase, but I can’t find another example in search engines using: “can’t have nice things” +graffiti .
Perhaps it’s the same kind of “coincidence” as the tourism bureau’s “Only in Seattle” campaign that was borne after I’d spent a month titling posts with that line, or the local news outrage over the new parking meter failures,
Continue reading You’re Welcome?
“You won’t walk right for days. We guarantee it.”
Pictured here is another satisfied customer. If you know what I mean.
On Broad … way!
Most people think the song was written about New York City, but this is a myth.
It was actually written about Seattle, when George Benson played the Paramount Theater in 1978, and came down with a massive case of the squirts.
During his first performance, his sphincter gave way, and he ended up projectile shitting on a woman in the front row. Fearing that it might happen again, Benson made his way to the Rite Aid at Broadway & John for a bottle of Immodium AD.
The rest, as they say, is history*.
Continue reading They Say The Neon Lights are Bright
Women are to Seattle what cows are to India.
Sound weird? Offensive even?
I know it does. Hear me out, though.
On Thursday night, I ran a quick errand on foot, then walked east on Pike Street. I walked, as I have since childhood, on the right side of the sidewalk.
If you were an urban child from the USA, then this no doubt is what you learned to do as soon as you learned to walk. It’s what my own kids learned as soon as they learned to walk, along with: stand to the right side on escalators,
Continue reading Bitches Be Crazy
I’ve got this thing where I want to eat at every restaurant in Rexville Seattle (basically the extended boundaries of my neighborhood), regardless of cuisine, price, or quality. I’ve been talking about doing this for years, which means I’ll never actually do it, but we all need goals. Were it not for goals, I never would have snorted an eight of meth in an Aurora Avenue motel room while being blown by an ambiguously gendered prostitute. Setting the goal is always the first step toward completion.
In furtherance of said goal, last night, I chose the Space
Continue reading Sky City
I just finished my first 2 week vacation in roughly 10 years, and like pretty much all of my “vacations”, I spent the duration of it in my hometown.
You see, I never really understood the notion of leaving home on one’s time off. It’s almost as if one is escaping where they live, but for my part, I’d never live anywhere I didn’t want to spend my free time. Furthermore, I always thought it was kind of shitty to take one’s disposable income out of town to spend in some other jurisdiction. I mean, why help someone else’s economy
Continue reading How You Gonna Be Mad on Vacation?
Dominating the view down Westlake Avenue, Amazon’s new tower looks like it’s going to be quite a beast.
What a difference a year makes (September 2013):
Ahhh, young newcomer love. Our vandal here is so new to the city, that he/she has yet to realize that, once she feels inclined to do something else, Laura has no intention of “saying” anything. That’s much too confrontational, not to mention, scary, what with mom back home in Twin Falls and all.
Better learn to take the hint, because a hint is all you’re ever going to get. That’s what happens when you grow up having “playdates”, where every interaction with other people is governed by the watchful eye of a parental unit. When it was time to go, the departure was
Continue reading The Passive-Aggressive Vandal