Above: Long line for some actor’s autograph

I was at the Las Vegas Hilton yesterday afternoon, which happened to coincide with the last day of the annual Star Trek Convention.

Now, I like making fun of Star Trek people as much as the next person (How can you not?) … but I never actually had anything against this group of people. There are certainly much, much worse things that a person could be, such as a congressman or Las Vegas police officer.

Honestly, though, I didn’t know what to expect. Throughout my life, I have been surrounded by every single solitary type of person imaginable … gay, straight, rich, poor, black, white, addict, clean … you name it, I know them. Not long ago, one of my childhood friends was executed by the state for murdering someone. Like I said, I am familiar with every type of person … except Trekkies.

For whatever reason, this is the one group of people that I never really encountered in numbers. I have never watched Star Trek. I have never discussed Star Trek. I don’t understand Star Trek. I don’t understand the whole culture surrounding it. I don’t speak Klingon.

While I never had anything against the people, I just assumed that they were all nuttier than squirrel’s turds.

Therefore, I expected that my trip to the Hilton yesterday would be annoying. I imagined a bunch of 40 year old virgins running around having slap fights because someone disparaged the good name of Luke Skywalker.

So much for stereotypes …

When I walked through the hallway to the Hilton Convention Center, there was a surprisingly wide variety of people milling around the area. Lots of them wore shirts with some kind of little insignia on the left side. I assumed it was a mark of virginity or something, but that’s not important.

What is important is that everybody was incredibly cool. I went up to four or five groups, and when I requested to take pictures, not one person said “no”. They always said “sure!”, and seemed genuinely happy.

The crowd was diverse, and they weren’t all dudes. There were individuals, couples, and whole families … and none of them were annoying.

I conversed with about a dozen of them in a completely rational manner, and not one person tried to get me to join a cult (which was my initial fear). Not a single person tried to convert me to Klingonism, or whatever religion they worship.

They told me where they were from, what they did for a living. None of them told me that they conquered distant planets as an occupation. They were accountants, lawyers, dance teachers, etc.

Who knew???

They weren’t the delusional mescaline fiends that I kind of thought they would be … they were just normal people who just really, really like a TV show, but are otherwise just like the average tourist.

As a matter of fact, these people are generally less douchey than the average tourist.

Not once did I hear “Vegas Baby!”

I don’t think a single person in this crowd had seen the movie “Swingers”, much less quoted from it, which in and of itself makes them infinitely more cool than the average Vegas tourist.

The average American worships Paris Hilton, while these people worship Darth Vader (or whoever the guy’s name is). The difference is, the Trekkies know it’s goofy, and they embrace the goofiness.

The average purchaser of People Magazine or the National Enquirer actually thinks their behavior is perfectly rational.

Trekkies may actually be the least delusional people of all.

They even had a really good sense of humor. When I told one lady that the little upside-down “V” thing looked like a nipple clamp, she laughed heartily. They don’t take the whole thing as seriously as I thought they did.

Anyway, I hung around the convention for about an hour, met some very nice people, and had a pleasant time talking to people about where they came from, where they were staying, etc. I didn’t try to engage them in any Star Trek conversation because I wouldn’t have understood what they were talking about, and they seemed fine with that. At no point did they try to direct the conversation to Star Trek.

My preconceived notions were shattered … which was a decidedly positive thing.

Later in the night, as I was rubbing one out to the women’s diving competition, I couldn’t help but consider the irony: “And to think … I thought they were the weirdos.”

Is it me, or does the prime-time coverage of the Olympics provide more masturbatory opportunities than a Penthouse video?

It’s like soft-core porn masquerading as some kind of sporting contest.

Yeah, I’m on the edge of my seat to see if the bitch in the thong gets a 9.5 or 7.0, just put her ass back up on the diving board before I lose wood from the previous dive. She can do a belly-flop for all I care, if her swimsuit rides up more than the other competitors, she gets a perfect 10 from me. (Which reminds me, I’m out of Kleenex.)

Anyway, as long as I am rambling incoherently from the original post … I currently feel like shit.

I have been out and about quite a bit for the last week, and while the temperature has only hovered around 106, I’ve been quite active for long periods outside, and it’s been more humid than usual.

Fever, fatigue, muscle cramps, waaah waaah waaaah. Supposedly I have “heat stroke”.

Wait …. did anyone just hear that loud “smacking” sound?

I’m pretty sure Steve Wynn just enthusiastically high-fived the hell out of someone.