Kid: “Mommy, I want to grow up and dance topless for money, just like you!”

Mom: “Oh dear, I’m SO proud!”

Laugh if you must, but one of the reasons that the high school dropout rate for girls is so high in Las Vegas, is because the lure of the pole is just too great for daddy’s little girl.

They realize they can make more money in a week than some working stiff in a suit makes in a couple of months, and pretty soon they start wondering what the big deal is about this “math” shit that the imported Filipino teacher keeps bugging them about in broken English.

Ok, so nobody dreams of being a stripper. They all want to be “showgirls”. But let’s face it, strip clubs all over town are full of women just waiting for a call from the Tropicana letting them know that a slot has opened up in “Follies”.

Either that, or they are waiting for a call from Oscar Goodman telling them that a spot just opened up on his pole.

So you have a darling daughter, niece, or granddaughter that you would like to see shaking her ass for $20 bills and aren’t sure where to get started?

A “showgirl doll” would be an excellent start.

They can bend in over 20 different positions, including “doggystyle”, and “backseat of a Camaro”.

“But, wait, Rex … where exactly do I get these skankified Barbies?”

Well, my friend, if you have to ask, you obviously haven’t been to the Bonanza “World’s Largest Gift Shop” (in the shadow of the venerable Stratosphere).

If they ain’t got it, it doesn’t exist.

It had been a good six or seven years since I had last been to the place, and recently made a return trip.

It will probably be another six or seven years until I go back, but if you have never been, you simply must go.

If you can dream of any object with the phrase “Las Vegas” stamped on it … these folks have got it.

If you tell them Rex sent you, you’ll actually get to touch the King.

But only if you tell them I sent you.

Otherwise you will have to settle for touching yourself while ogling the showgirls.

Hey, don’t worry, it’s the World’s Largest gift shop.

Nobody will notice if you do unspeakable things to the souvenirs. (don’t ask me how I know)

And when you see this guy working the cash register, be sure to ask for his autograph.

He’s actually quite pleasant in person.

The whole “beating up P.T. Cruisers” thing is just something he does to blow off steam on his lunch break.

(yes, that is said gift shop that he is in front of)