Let’s face reality. Las Vegas is knee-deep in shit.

The Governor of Nevada addressed us on local TV this week, and informed us that we are in the worst shape we have ever been since the inception of the State of Nevada.

Sweet!

I’m watching history being made.

He said that the decline in tourism is hurting us on all levels, especially our “schools”.

You heard right. You are actually harming our children by not gambling more.

I personally believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they posses inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.

At least that’s my opinion.

If you really cared about the future of our nation, you would come out here and get blind stinking drunk, bang some whores, and gamble until you had nothing left.

Little Johnny needs to read, and if you leave Vegas a winner, or don’t come at all, then you are condoning illiteracy.

Frankly, I don’t know how you can sleep at night.

Anyway …

The national economy is in the toilet, airlines are cutting flights to Vegas across the board (up to half), room rates are falling, and people are spending less when they get here.

Layoffs are happening, and jobs are scarce, if not non-existent.

My regular cab driver told me that he’s making 30%-40% less this year than the same time last year.

But wait, there’s more …

As we get further into the quagmire, morale is suffering, and service is getting worse.

Make no mistake about it. Las Vegas hates you.

Clerks and waiters act like they are doing you a fat, fucking favor by doing their job, and there is general contempt for the tourist to be found everywhere. Hell, we drop your ass 15 floors in elevators for our own personal amusement now.

Employees have been put on notice that potential layoffs are hanging over their heads, and being that there is certainly no upward mobility left, what’s the point in trying?

To stem the cash hemorrhage, properties are tightening up, or nickel and diming the customer to death.

Hell, if you’re not playing max coin, you may not even get a beverage.

And these actions turn off the customer in return.

It’s a vicious cycle.

But wait, there’s even more!

Just as current hotel room rates are falling in response to waning demand, a bunch of new properties are scheduled to add a large influx of rooms to the current supply in the near future.

It’s going to be more fun than watching a pig roll in shit to see how they manage this supply/demand imbalance.

But all is not lost. The LVCVA (the folks who brought you “Your Vegas Is Showing”) thinks they have found a solution.

And that solution is … Foreigners!

Because we are domestically beyond hope, Vegas is going to start targeting the overseas market much more heavily, in the hopes that they will bail the city out.

You see, there are some countries left on earth that still have a currency.

Gasoline isn’t really $4.00/gallon.

Our dollar is just worth fifty cents now.

All Hail The Federal Fucking Reserve. (Go ahead and spend it, we’ll print more!)

Since the inception of the Federal Reserve Act in 1913, the U.S. dollar is now worth 4.6 cents.

Way to go, guys!

If the country hadn’t handed our entire financial system over to your privately-owned expertise, we might have monetary problems.

Perish the thought.

If currency devaluation (they like to call it “inflation” because most Americans think bigger is better) continues at the same rate as it has since the Federal Reserve Act, and petroleum demand remains constant … in 90 short years, gasoline will be in excess of $80.00/gallon.

That’s about $1,600 to fill the tank of a Ford Windstar.

It seems like a long time, but a person born today could conceivably see that happen in their lifetime.

Holy shit, I sound like Ross Perot.

The point is, Las Vegas is now targeting pinko communists (because they have health care) from England, France, Australia, Canada, hell we don’t give a damn as long as they have money.

If anyone from overseas is reading this. Consider this a personal plea to save my city.

Bring your funny accents and weird customs. They are welcome here!

Except for soccer. Please leave that behind. Soccer rates just behind “genocide” on the list of crimes against humanity, and we must stop its spread at all costs.

As the self-appointed official Ambassador of Las Vegas, I would like to be the first to extend a hearty welcome to our new socialist (because they have health care) overlords!

There was a fairly positive response to my previous choreography of the Bellagio Fountains. However, it was very much a US-centric fountain show inasmuch as it only addressed racial slurs and gang violence. We Americans really do think that we are the center of the universe, and it was inconsiderate to my fascist (because they have health care) readers.

This time, I have collaborated (unofficially) with the Bellagio to offer a completely new show with a much more International flavor … I mean “flavour”.

Therefore, without further ado, I present the official Las Vegas welcome to our communist (because they have health care) tourists from Great Britain: