If you have to ask, it’s obviously your first time at this site.

What do you do when you are broke, hungry, and standing at the foot of the monorail?

That is a question I had to ask myself yesterday.

Keep in mind that in this situation, “people watching” at Mon Ami Gabi is out of the question. So is just about anyplace else where the food is even remotely non-toxic.

So … I’ll tell you what you do.

You swipe your $1 locals pass to get on the monorail, jump off at the Convention Center, hop on the free Wynn shuttle, get off at the casino, and walk across the street to the Fashion Show Mall Food Court … where for $6 you can get all the e-coli your stomach can handle.

And it’s still 10x times better than the Imperial Palace Buffet.

I wandered through the food court as people shouting in languages other than English extending food-like substances on a stick for me to try. I accepted one because it resembled something chicken-esque, and after taking a bite out of it, I realized that there was a huge hair sticking out of it.

I kid you not.

I spit it out into the trashcan.

Hopefully spitting food into a trashcan with a revolted look on one’s face is considered high praise in the country of whomever gave me the hairy chicken.

I settled for a “gyro plate” from some Greek joint, because it was covered with enough white sauce to obscure the food. I didn’t want to actually see what I was eating and ruin my appetite.

On second thought, it may have been a mistake.

I’m almost positive that white sauce + Greek joint = goat sperm.

But again, it still tasted better than the Imperial Palace buffet.

After I was finished eating my goat sperm, I went “shopping” (ie. standing on the top level of the mall and looking down the shirts of women that walked under me).

And get this … there was actually a fashion show at the Fashion Show Mall. I watched it, and it was every bit as buttfuckingly stupid as I imagined a fashion show would be.

People walked up and down a runway and smiled because they were wearing clothes (Personally, I’d be smiling if they weren’t wearing clothes.) And they struck poses that I have never seen anyone strike in real life.

If I ever put my hand on my hip, stick my foot out like I am getting ready to do some kind of ballet move, and stare out into space … shoot me. I’m not kidding, just line me up in the cross hairs and shoot me.

One guy in the show even skateboarded up the catwalk. “Gee I didn’t know you could skateboard in those pants, I’ll take three!”

Oh yeah, I promised you a long, boring video of the Wynn Shuttle Ride. This thing is arguably the most un-scenic ride in all of Las Vegas. For five entire minutes, you get a view of absolutely nothing. It’s actually rather depressing.

Wynn didn’t want the rail disgracing his property, so he made it go around. At least he provides a shuttle.

I thought about tipping the driver, but I was pretty sure that Steve would steal it, so what would the point have been?