This “stop sign” was recently erected near the Las Vegas Convention Center.

It is not a hoax, no photoshopping was done, and it is still there.

If you care to take the Monorail to the Convention Center station, you can see our highly functional government in action with your own two eyes.

Obviously the youngsters graduating from the Las Vegas Public School System are getting jobs in the Public Works Department.

Is to molest a statue at Caesar’s Palace.

I had to get them back somehow for not putting up a Christmas tree this year (What’s up with that?).

Not only did I butt-hump the statue while grabbing its melons, but tourists nearby (mostly Asians) were so amused, that I started a trend. There was a huge crowd around in the plaza, and some people looked at me with disdain, but after my third act with this lady, people started lining up to desecrate the concrete goddess as their companions started taking picture after picture.

They are probably still out there doing it.

Asians with cameras? When did that happen? I’ve never heard of them carrying cameras on vacation???

Anyway … hey Harrahs … you’re welcome.

You’ve got half of Asia out in front performing all kinds of unnatural acts on this chick.

It’s my little present to you.

Merry Christmas.

So I’m on the Strip and thought I would try my luck again.

This time in a different venue … The Flamingo.

I pulled out my camera, approached a waitress, and she immediately struck a pose for me and smiled, and patiently waited for the flash to re-charge. She even leaned against a dealer who smiled at me and found the whole thing pleasant.

No drink throwing, no security with AK-47’s, no thermonuclear warheads launched up my ass. Just a smile and a “Merry Christmas”.

Score one for Harrah’s customer service.

I certainly never thought I would ever type the sentence above.

Okay, so in the past couple of months the Hilton closed its Poker Room, got rid of the Vegas Deli, I have had things stolen from my ride in the parking area, they got rid of the ass girls, security has been harassing me over inane bullshit, they have been giving me some pretty crappy lines (and pretty crappy service) in the sports book … and today I find they have dumped their free wi-fi altogether.

As I am somewhat accustomed to doing, after I jumped off the Monorail, I decided to whip out my laptop at the Fortuna Coffee Shop in the LV Hilton lobby to reply to some messages and surf some porn.

Only there is a problem.

Instead of naked women appearing on my screen when I open the browser, I get the above message.

$12.99 for 24 hours, and it needs to be charged to my room.

WTF?

This has to be a mistake.

I marched up to the people behind the counter and demanded to know where my porn was.

“I’m sorry sir, the Hilton did away with free wi-fi last week. You have to be a guest of the hotel to use it now.”

Gee, I needed one less reason to go to the Hilton, and I’ll be damned if they didn’t deliver.

I’ve been a good customer to the Hilton over the years. The little intangibles like being able to fire up my laptop for an hour and take care of some things instead of going home to do so … have kept me at the property for longer than I otherwise would have been. And they’ve more than made up for the free wi-fi with my rake, play and vig on the sports tickets.

Now they are going the nickel and dime route too. Harrah’s is contagious.

The Hilton is already far enough out of the way for most people to overlook, and the things that used to set it apart are becoming fewer and farther between.

I’ve directed countless people over to Fortuna for the free wi-fi, decent coffee, and comfortable seating. Now it’s just some other caffeine joint in a hotel lobby.

Way to go, guys.

I guess Paris needed a new ugly dog. Rumor has it that the old dog got into her coke stash and was last seen running down Sunset Boulevard screaming “You Queiro Taco Bell, Bitch!”

On the bright side, I did get to meet a Klingon (or whatever this thing is) on the way out.

Arguably the only thing on Hilton property uglier that Paris’ dog.

This is a real person and not a statue, and he agreed to pose for me.

Thankfully, this thing didn’t charge me $13 to pose for the photo.

On the bright side, all you need to do to get free wi-fi from the Hilton is know someone’s last name and room number. That’s the authentication method they use. Once you provide this info, the wireless charge is billed to the room.

“Hi, what’s your name? Are you staying here? Oh really, me too. I’m in room 15101, how about you? 17075? That’s two floors above me! What did you say your name was again? Oh that’s my mother’s name, your last name wouldn’t be Robinson would it? Oh, Thompson … well I was close. Nice meeting you Ms. Thompson from room 17075!”

Scratch everything I just said. There IS still free wi-fi at the Hilton.

I am selling a laptop computer, and decided to list it on a local “classified” site.

I indicated that I was only interested in selling to a local because I didn’t want to deal with shipping and with the various cashier’s check scams.

So I wake up this morning, and I have a buyer!

Well, sort of …

This was the offer. Verbatim.

Im very interested in your vaio. I have some questions though.

These might be stupid questions , but I figure this is worth a try.

I cannot afford a laptop, and due to my business and how busy i always am. I really absolutely NEED a laptop.

I am offering my services to you as a trade for the computer. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. I provide massage. I would be willing to do several sessions to pay off the laptop.

I could also afford small monthly payments along WITH the massage.

If this interests you at all, please let me know!

thanks!

-Name Deleted-

ps - i am a local.

I kid you not. This was the first legitimate reply I got.

I bet you don’t get these in your town when you try to sell a laptop.

I know your next question, and the answer is that I am still debating on whether or not to accept the offer.

I’ll see if she complies with my request for nude pictures. I don’t want to accept and have a 6′6″ tranny with a huge adam’s-apple show up at my door.

By the way, the first part of her email address was “kitty.filth”.

She might want to re-think that username, because there is nothing less arousing than the thought of being massaged with cat shit.