Rex's Las Vegas Lists
Lest anyone forget to shit their pants over the Holiday weekend, a national “think tank” (what the hell is that?) says that Las Vegas is the 9th most likely city in the U.S. to be the target of a terrorist attack.
Why 9th? Why not 11th, or 5th?
Don’t ever, EVER question a “think tank”!
If they say it, it must be true.
The Rand Center “studied the issue” (a/k/a made shit up) for two years, and says we are 9th.
Oh, and how are they most likely to off us while we are in town gambling away the mortgage playing 6/5 blackjack and getting lap dances?
According to the “Rand Center”, we are going to be done in with a 600 lb car bomb.
Why not a 552 lb bomb, or a 738 lb bomb?
Like I said before, Don’t ever, EVER question a “think tank”!
That sucker is going to be exactly 600 pounds. Not an ounce more, not an ounce less.
So there you have it. After 8 other cities are wasted, we are next in line.
Happy Thanksgiving!
A national think-tank says Las Vegas is more likely to be the target of a terrorist attack than Atlanta, Dallas, or Denver. (So everyone in Dallas can officially relax until we get whacked)
A new report lists Las Vegas as ninth in the nation for the likelihood of a terrorist attack. The Rand Center for Terrorism made the ranking from a two-year study. (It takes a lot of time to create little strips of paper with names of US cities and pick them out of a hat)
The mega-hotel/casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are the reason Las Vegas ranks so high on the list. Las Vegas’ resorts attracted 39 million visitors in 2006, and world wide attention. The report says the hotel/casinos also may have attracted the attention of terrorists both domestic and foreign. (But are terrorists stupid enough to play 6/5 blackjack? That’s the real question.)
Walking down the Las Vegas Strip can make anyone awestruck. A closer look reveals cameras and visible security to protect tourists. During major events like New Years Eve, it’s hard to miss the presence of Metro police. (They are the guys beating the shit out of people playing their car stereos too loud)
In some way, all of this helps in the prevention of a terrorist attack. But a nonprofit research firm found that prevention is needed. (Huh?)
The Rand Center for Terrorism report ranked Las Vegas ninth in the likelihood of a terrorist attack. This means Las Vegas falls in the third tier with Boston, Houston, Miami, and Philadelphia, all much larger cities. (It’s not the size, it’s how you use it)
The report found the most likely type of attack to kill the most people would be a 600-pound bomb most often detonated by terrorists in a car. Rand Center researchers say an attack would also financially cripple the tourism industry in Las Vegas. (That’s what they said about 6/5 blackjack)
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the report needs to be taken seriously. (Because Harry wants more federal money for whores and pet projects … I mean security, yeah … security)
“Rand report does not have anything to do with politics. They are known to be stable and reliable.” (As long as I agree with what they say)
I think it is a good report,” Senator Reid said. (Reid said the same about his son’s school report entitled “My Daddy is the Greatest Daddy in the World”)
Reid also says the report justifies the amount of federal dollars Southern Nevada receives for the prevention of a terrorist attack. (Hell yeah! Anything that justifies dollars is a damn good report. Just wait until Rand releases the “VegasRex needs money” report. I’ll be calling Rand stable, reliable, and downright geniuses. I will also buy everyone in the “think tank” a happy ending at the Princess Massage on Sahara)
Early last year, Department of Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff removed Las Vegas from the list of cities receiving federal money for terrorism. (Evil bastard!)
Sen. Reid continues, “We were so concerned when Chertoff cut us back that Ensign and I together went to talk to him.” (And said, “give us our money bitch! Oscar Goodman knows people, and we know where your kids go to school”)
The pressure put the valley back on the list. (Chertoff Jr. is safe. For now …)
Senator Reid says the Rand study proves Las Vegas is a target and shows we cannot let our guard down. (It also proves that people will take any “study”, no matter how idiotic, and mercilessly use it as a tool to extract money from someone … anyone)
Metro Homeland Security officers have read the report. After repeated phone calls, Eyewitness News was told Metro would not be available until Tuesday to comment. (Metro has to get a talking head injected with Botox on Monday so that someone can reply to this thing with a straight face)
The study also says Las Vegas has an extremely high risk of a 9/11 type attack using airplane. However, the study found it is not as likely because of airport security upgrades and terrorist patterns since 2001. (So, it’s an “extremely high risk”, but “not as likely”? Huh?)
Seriously, I had a bowel movement this morning that was more useful than this “study”.
