From the Gratuitous Opinion Piece Out of Nowhere Department:

The advertisements are starting to tweak me a little bit. They are a complete and utter sham, and an insult to the intelligence of anyone with an IQ over 50.

Let’s face it, other than gambling, which anyone can do on an Indian Reservation in less opulence … Vegas just isn’t that much more “tolerant” than any other city on the planet. You can get illegal drugs and whores in NY, Chicago, and LA.

Why is Vegas seen as so tolerant of decadence when the laws are similar to almost every other city in the US?

Because of video poker and marketing bullshit. Those are really the only reasons.

To make Vegas … VEGAS … and live up to the hype. This is what needs to be done, IMHO.

1) Legalize Prostitution

I don’t have any idea why it is illegal. Most people think it is legal here. It is selectively enforced, and is asinine in a town like Vegas. You can get illegal whores anywhere. You should be able to get them legally here.

2) Get Rid of the Goofy No Nudity/No Alcohol laws in Strip clubs.

There are towns in the US where the bitches can be buck naked and you can get plastered. Why not here? Why do they have to bother with the dental floss G-String? It makes no sense given the nature of the town.

3) Legalize Drugs

People should be able to smoke pot, snort coke, or whatever in Vegas. Legally. It’s not like they don’t do it anyway. We don’t need more cops policing what people ingest. We need them out there stopping people from shooting each other. We should be more like Amsterdam’s Red Light district. They don’t have many problems there, and it actually attracts tons of tourists on an yearly basis.

4) Topless Cocktail Waitresses in Casinos

I see more skin at the Hooters in Des Moines. Our cocktail waitresses should serve the customer shots from their cleavage, and shoot martini olives out of their coochies. This new “conservative cocktail waitress” shit has really shriveled my scrotum lately. Instead of going to the Rio and knocking my johnson around under the nickel VP machine, I might as well stay home and surf porn now. It’s more arousing than the clown costumes they are dressing the girls in now. Pretty soon they are going to start dressing them up like nuns. Enough already.

5) A Return of Customer Service

If I want to be treated like shit by apathetic employees, I’ll go to the Detroit DMV. What the fuck would I need to fly here for?

6) Real Privacy … Like They Pretend to Have in the Ads

I don’t think Vegas is even close to living up to its “Libertarian” hype of “What Happens Here, Stays Here” shit. It’s marketing crap that doesn’t even approach reality. Everything you do here is tracked and videotaped, from the parking garage to the backseat of the cab. They know where you are, and where you’ve been. They know when you go to your room, and how much you put in the slots. It can all be subpoenaed and used against you in any other state.

If you give a lady $200 for a blowjob, your entire body might just “Stay Here” in the slammer. Just like back home. And that criminal record will follow you everywhere. It won’t refuse to cross the state line.

Very little can legally happen here that can’t legally happen in Fresno. And the trail of electronic and videotaped evidence you leave here will be a hell of a lot easier to follow.

I hate to say it, but our image is a complete scam.

Sure, it’s fun to gamble, see shows, swim in the finest pools, and dine on some of the world’s best food. But this whole “Freedom to do things here that you can’t do in other places” campaign is just utter nonsense.