Here is a joke I often tell at the Poker table to gauge the sensibilities of my fellow players:

Me: What’s the best thing about having sex with 28 year olds?

Some guy at the table: What?

Me: There’s twenty of them.

This is what usually happens. A third of the table laughs, a third of the table doesn’t get it at all and blankly stare waiting for the punchline, and a third of them give me a look of complete and utter disgust. I have even gotten a few table change requests.

But every now and then, on just the right day, at just the right table, I can get the table to start a contest of who can tell the most disturbing joke.

Basically, I am a sick fuck. I make fun of everything, because not making fun of it isn’t going to stop any of it from happening.

I’m the only person I know who thinks “The Aristocrats” is too tame. Penn Jillette probably would have cut my version out of the movie for being too offensive.

So when I walked into the Harmon Theater yesterday to see “Bottoms Up II: Burlesque Strikes Back” for only its second showing since coming back to Vegas, I realized that it would probably be more tame than what I would personally find entertaining.

And that was entirely true.

This is a very old-school Las Vegas act. As a matter of fact, it has been around Vegas since the 1950’s. The style of humor is “Vaudeville”, and if you are a fan of people like Phyllis Diller, and old sketch comedy, then you will like this show.

It is a rather short show, clocking in at only 50 minutes.

It starts with some dancers. Not even remotely racy by Las Vegas standards (The dancers are more clothed than they would be at the pool).

The cast of about 5 characters is introduced, and they do about 15 sketches. A few comprised of simply telling jokes. There is very little by way of special effects or other “production” events. The actors rely on their props and costumes to deliver the goods. I assume this is the way it was done in the Vaudeville days.

In 2007, for anyone under 40, the humor would probably be considered “corny” for lack of a better word. But the older folks were laughing pretty hard. The actors relied more on innuendo than getting straight to the point (Think Jack Ritter in Threes Company). It also reminded me a bit of the “Benny Hill” humor.

For instance, there was a character named “Jack Shitz”. He sat down on a chair to read his family history to the audience. He told us about his brother “I Don’t Give A”, and his cousin “Dumb”. He went down a list of about 25 other family members names who, when put together, make a well-known phrase with the word “shit”. And after he was done, he said “now nobody can say that you don’t know Jack Shitz.”

I suppose this was “edgy” back in the day. In this day and age … I dunno.

Shows like “Family Guy” are on prime time TV, and push the envelope much further than that.

But this is a throwback show to the older days of Vegas, and on that level, I suppose it succeeds. The older folks seemed to really enjoy it, and laughed heartily. The younger people in the crowd kept waiting for the “Burlesque” chicks to take it off (never happened) and for the jokes about how white motherfuckers have small butts, high pitched voices, and can’t dance. You know, the comedy that has become the status-quo during our lifetimes.

There was a very palpable age-divide in the audience. The humor was a bit more cerebral, but significantly less shocking.

Two twenty-ish girls actually walked out during the show. I could tell they didn’t get the humor. I swear one of the two girls was this chick:

Anyway. The show plays at 1:00pm in the Harmon Theater next to Planet Aladdin. Yes, it’s a very early show.

The show has its niche’. It was okay, and I was entertained … but I kept waiting for the “Strikes Back” part. I thought it was going to go over the edge at some point, but it never came close to “striking back”. It stayed safe. Your grandmother won’t be offended.

If you like Vaudeville stuff, you will probably like the show. If you don’t … you probably won’t.

But even if you don’t dig that kind of humor, it might be worth the reasonable ticket price for the nostalgia factor alone. “Bottoms Up” is a bit of an icon in Vegas. You just have to take it for what it is. Humor from days gone by.

What does that mean?

Hell if I know.

But I went to see this show the other night at the Sahara, and since it was an all-ages show, I took my kid with me.

I wasn’t expecting much, but I was really pleasantly surprised. The energy that the performers had, made me feel that a massive heart attack was imminent by one of the performers. I got winded just watching them.

And if you have an Asian-fetish, then my friend, this is the show for you. Lots of hot Asian chicks. Former gymnasts, dancers, even some models from Japan. Unfortunately they didn’t show much skin, but many of the outfits were tight enough to make VIP section tickets worthwhile.

This was kind of, sort of like a “Cirque” meets “Stomp” show. But it was much more acrobatic than Stomp, and much less serious and artsy-fartsy than Cirque. They call themselves a “Musical with Muscles”. Not sure what that means, but the category is irrelevant. It’s just a good show.

There was no dialog, but there were sketches. A big crowd pleaser was the “Piano Key” sketch. Basically all of the performers dressed like piano keys, and had to do a push-up every time “their key” was pressed. The pianist kept hammering one key until the guy got exhausted, so he paid another dancer to switch places with him. You can kind of guess the rest … once the guy relocated … the pianist started banging his “new” key until he was exhausted again.

I liked the way they added humor with the stunts and dancing.

I also really liked this show because the performers were very personable. They were always smiling, they were very light-hearted, and seemed very genuine. Three times dancers came offstage into the audience, and they always stopped by to interact with my kid … teaching her a dance, and just paying attention to her. This was really cool.

There are many dance routines, many stunts, and non-stop action for about 75 minutes. The dancers were all very talented, and have obviously worked months perfecting this show … as the error for margin during the routines is pretty thin.

And this show featured one of the coolest stunt performers I have seen anywhere, in any show.

The mountain bike guy.

Holy shit, if you see this show for no other reason … see it for the mountain bike guy.

He came out about 3 times, and he did things that I still think are impossible. He would ride along the audience handrails, he would hop up and down the steps through the audience while shaking hands, he climbed huge obstacles … with his feet never once touching the ground. Seriously, this dude was awe-inspiring. You simply have to see it to believe it. I’ve seen many a stunt show, but this is far an away the one that left me the most incredulous.

The performers got a well-deserved standing ovation at the end of the performance. It really was a complete blast. Just a full on, family friendly, high energy show.

If I could convince them to put the (overwhelmingly hot) chicks in thongs, then this would be the best show in Las Vegas. Hands down.

The Sahara has two very underrated shows in Matsuri and Trent Carlini.

They are a quick monorail ride away, and really do deserve to be higher profile, IMHO.

P.S. The show does have it’s own website: http://matsuri.musclemusical.com/

Here are a couple of photos I took in the Sahara while there:

The folks at the always entertaining Las Vegas Vegas Website put on their bullet-proof vests and ventured down to the new Fremont East project. I plan to go down there sometime myself, but I haven’t been in a big hurry.

And after viewing this video … I am in even less of a hurry.

I really loved the lady’s video commentary. I sure hope she wasn’t killed.

Check out their site for some good still shots as well.

Look, you can put as much Neon up as you want around the El Cortez … but the chance of someone decapitating you and eating your carcass is still quite high.

There is only one reason to go to Downtown Las Vegas, and that is to score crack and contract gonorrhea.

Ooops. That was two reasons.

Okay, there are TWO reasons to go to Downtown Las Vegas.

I just don’t think those two reasons are good enough.

Note the guy screaming “Motherfucker!” in the background.

Classy!

Hell, they didn’t have to pay some guy $5.5 Million to scream “Motherfucker!” at people on Fremont.  I would have done it for a cool $1 Million.

See Oscar, that’s what happens when you don’t invite me to bid on projects.  I could have saved the taxpayers a fortune.

If we are nothing else, we are a town of wacky rumors and speculation.

Whatever happened to Michael Jackson replacing Celine at Caesar’s?

In what is sure to be some kind of goofy Internet hoax (like Celine Dion going on a crime spree), a staff editor at Casino Gambling Web is reporting a “rumor” from an “unspecified friend” of Pamela Anderson’s that she “might” be opening a casino here in Vegas called “Planet Pammie”.

And really, you can’t get much more credible than anonymous friends spreading rumors.

It’s practically a done deal once some anonymous member of the entourage barks it out after his eighth spoon of coke.

I am pretty sure that what actually happened was that Pam was wasted, and told someone “You know, I would like to open up a casino here and call it Planet Pammie” … then passed out in her own vomit.

How many of us haven’t announced to others that we wanted to open a Vegas casino minutes before passing out in our own vomit?

It’s just that nobody pays attention to our drunk rantings because we don’t have Triple Z boobs.

Seriously, if this ever happens, I will eat nothing but the Imperial Palace Buffet for an entire month. I was going to say that I would eat nothing but dog shit, but I decided to go with something much worse. That’s how sure I am that this will not happen.

Original Article

It has been rumored that Pamela Anderson is planning to open up her own branded casino on the famous Las Vegas strip. The rumor was started by an unspecified friend of Anderson who claims the new casino will be named Planet Pammie.

The news of her planning a new casino simply comes from a ’source’ with no name. That source says, “Pammie is interested in several different ventures and is currently leaning towards a themed venue - possibly a casino.”

Pamela Anderson is currently in Las Vegas working as a magician assistant to Hans Klok who runs a magic show on the strip. She is reportedly in a physical relationship with Hans and she is currently infatuated with Vegas.

Pamela is having a panoramic suite built in Vegas and has extended her contract with Hans to go through December. In her diary on her personal fan website she reports that her kids love her new job, calling it ‘the coolest in the world’. She also reports in her diary that Vegas has vegetarian places to eat and healthy food stores, therefore she will have no problem staying in the city of sin.

Attempts to contact Anderson’s publicist have gone unanswered so the reports of Planet Pammie being a realistic goal of Anderson’s are as of now unconfirmed. (No Shit)

Coming soon to the Las Vegas Strip. “Planet VegasRex”. Blowjobs with every Blackjack!

I’m taking room deposits now.

Non-Refundable.

Four people are dead after a violent weekend in Southern Nevada. All were found dead in separate crimes and there are still no suspects. (I suspect Celine.)

Since early Saturday morning, there have been two shootings, a stabbing and one woman found dead - how she died is still a mystery. (This fate is a well-known side effect of Celine concerts.)

It all started here in a Northwest Las Vegas neighborhood early Saturday morning. Police say a man was sleeping when someone came in and shot him twice in the head. (He was seen talking on his cellphone during a Celine concert earlier that night. Coincidence?)

The second shooting happened early Sunday morning inside a 7-11 store near Maryland Parkway and Desert Inn. (Celine likes Slurpees. Coincidence?)

Metro says the victim, a man in his mid-twenties, was playing slots. That’s when the shooter walked right up to the door, leaned in and began shooting, hitting the victim at least eight times. (The man was wearing an “I Love Barbara Streisand” t-shirt. Come on people … connect the dots here!)

Just a few streets East, and less than 24 hours before that, homicide detectives arrived at Arizona Charlie’s on Boulder Highway. That’s where they found a woman dead inside a hotel room, face down, naked and few clues left behind. (A person was once found face down and naked in Canada. Coincidence?)

“The perpetrator seemed like they went through some measures to conceal whatever evidence that was there,” said Metro Sgt. William Scott. (Talent is concealed at a Celine concert. Coincidence?)

Earlier that morning, more crime tape surrounded a home in North Las Vegas where officers found a man in his 30’s stabbed to death. (Probably self-inflicted when the wife came home with Celine tickets)

So far this year, there have been 86 homicides in the Las Vegas area; that’s compared to 95 on this same day last year. (Compared to 2 before Celine started her run at Caesar’s. Coincidence?)

If you see Celine Dion, a Celine sympathizer, someone in the Axis of Celine, a weapon of Mass Celine, or someone taking pictures of anything … you are urged to call Crime Stoppers at 385-5555.