Why am I a douchebag?

Well, aside from the obvious reasons, I missed a damn good concert because I can’t even read a fucking calendar.

About a month ago while playing poker at Mandalay, I noticed that Soul Asylum was coming. And I mentally noted the date. “Cool”, I thought, “they are playing the day before New Year’s Eve.”

And it was only $25???

This one was a no-brainer.

So, I put that date away secure in the knowledge that I would be there on the appointed day.

The box office almost ALWAYS has solo tickets up until showtime … but I figured I would go ahead and get one printed since it was a holiday. So, I called a day ahead of time … which would be Friday the 29th at about 8pm. I rang the HOB box office, and it went something like this:

Me: “Yeah, Soul Asylum isn’t sold out yet is it?”.

HOB: “It’s not even close to being sold out”

Me: “Really, that’s odd, shouldn’t it at least be getting close?”

HOB: “Well, the Black Eyed Peas are playing tonight, and everyone is going to that”

Me: “There is no accounting for taste, but why can’t they go to Soul Asylum tomorrow night?”

HOB: “Uh, because Soul Asylum is playing tonight.”

Me: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

HOB: “Yeah, they should be taking the stage any minute”

Me: “But it’s not the day before New Year’s Eve!”

HOB: “I know that”

Me: “Shit, if I left now, what are my chances of getting in there by “Misery” which is always the third song?”

HOB: “The Black Eyed Peas are playing to about 15,000 people, and the place is swamped … so not good”

Me: “Fuck me. Thanks (click)”

So, as it turns out, somewhere along the line, somebody gave December an extra day, for a total of 31 days. And New Years Eve was not December 30th, as my feeble mind had translated it.

They say that too much masturbation distorts time perception, and I guess they were right.

I cursed myself all night, and decided to go to Mandalay Saturday morning to see how the show had gone. I went to the box office, and talked with the ticket dude. I said “Did you see the show last night?”. He smiled and said “yeah”. I said, please make me feel better and tell me it sucked, or that one of the band members got explosive diarreah and the band rescheduled for tonight. He just smiled bigger this time and said “Sorry dude, it was fucking awesome!”, while making the horn symbol with his hands.

Fuck!

I needed to take my anger out on someone/something. So I walked over to the Mandalay Poker Room, and busted out two tourists while tripling up in less than half an hour. Instead of playing tightly, I was in a surly mood, and I called every single solitary bluff just out of misplaced anger, and because they learn poker from watching ESPN, that’s what tourists love to do more than anything …. bluff.

So, in a really convoluted way, you could say that I made a decent amount of money by not seeing Soul Asylum, since I would not have gone to the Mandalay to play on Saturday if I had seen the show the night before. And I would never have paid in ticket price, the amount I won in the poker room.

At least that’s how I justify it to myself. But deep down I know that I am still a douchebag.

Now that my issues are out of the way, I need to address what the fuck is wrong with you people. And by “you people”, I mean the concert attending public.

In one corner is a band, a real band that has been around for 20 years, a band that plays it’s own instruments, writes it’s own songs, and sings with it’s own voice. And said band is playing in a very small venue, and is charging only $25.

In the other corner is a white girl (but don’t spoil the surprise and tell her) from Hacienda Heights, California, the former voice of Charlie Brown’s sister in the popular “Peanuts” cartoon series, former Nickelodeon star … lipsynching and dancing while the other “band members” jump around the stage yelling “Yo! Yo! Yo!”, or whatever the fuck “hip hop” (which isn’t) artists do today. Fergie is about as “ghetto” as Bill Gates … but don’t tell that to the bellyshirt-wearing “I wanna be a hip-hop street ho” section of the audience. For them, she’s a straight up G. Oh, and they are paying $100. Not to mention that it’s an arena show, so most people are going to be watching the monitors anyway since the people on stage look like ants.

Which show is sold out, and which one is “not even close” in a 1,000 person venue?

Let me offer the lyrics to a popular song by the sold-out group:

“What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump
My hump, my hump my lovely little lumps.

What you gon’ do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I’ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
In the back and in the front (lumps)”

What the fucking fuck?????

If the number of people eschewing Soul Asylum for the Black Eyed Peas is not a sign of the decline of Western Civilization, then I don’t know what is.

And I thought *I* was a douchebag …