I never completely understood this. Okay, I understand that nobody wants kids hanging around in casino gambling areas, and that is reasonable … but the gestapo-like nonsense when a kid is briefly present is crazy given that you must trek through the casino to get to the non-gaming attractions (I dare you to see the Mirage Dolphins without getting an eyeful of flashing slot machines first).

When I stopped with my kids to watch the Rio show in the Sky, we got a great position, but they said my kids were “too close to the slot machines”. When I asked “So what?”, they said “We don’t want to encourage kids to have gambling problems”. What??? Then why do you have a fucking “Show in the Sky” in the main casino with kids riding on the floats?? My kids see a slot machine and they are going to have a gambling problem? Really? My kids see about 2,000 machines from the bell desk to the room elevator, and it’s cool, but if they STOP at any point they are going to be hardcore addicts? That’s your official position? Because if it is, I should be formulating a massive lawsuit for the corruption of my kid due to the slots near the Lion Habitat.

It’s senseless. Just simply ban children from the casino if that is the case (which I honestly would have no problem with). The “can’t stop in front of a slot machine for 20 seconds lest the child get corrupted” thing is just inane. Kids don’t have any idea what those damn machines do, and even if they did, so what? They are cool looking. Put a quarter in, maybe you will get a dollar back, maybe you will lose the quarter. What’s the difference between that and our current Social Security System? Pay in, maybe you will get something back, maybe not. Buy a stock, maybe it goes up, maybe you lose everything. Insurance? Pure gambling. Gambling is as much a part of life as breathing … might as well make it entertaining.

I was at the Red Rock earlier this year, and finished the buffet early. The family wanted to eat more. So I walked out and stuck a 20 in the first video poker machine which was a whopping 8 feet from the buffet exit. That’s pretty much what they want with those buffet comps, right? For you to lose the money on the comp whilst there? The machine was right outside the entrance of the buffet. My family finished, my kid came running out and ran up to me, I immediately hit “cash out”. 15 seconds, tops. But you would have thought I was robbing the joint the way security was eyeballing me.

Now, according to some, my kids should have a “gambling problem”. I mean, they must … they viewed a video poker machine from a stationary, rather than walking point of view, so the natural progression is hardcore addiction. I hear them emptying their piggy banks as I type.

It’s just fucking silly.

Now, to be fair, I don’t particularly like kids in casinos myself. It can completely kill the vibe. I don’t want to hear whining or crying kids while I’m losing money. If you want to ban them, ban them. I would have absolutely zero problem with it. Put the bell desk next to the room elevators, refuse to let the kids go anywhere else on the property, and solve the problem. End the “kids under 4 eat free” shit, quit sticking video game arcades in casinos, quit showing “Cars” at the in-casino theaters, stop putting child-centric theme parks on casino property, quit bringing “Sesame Street Live” to the Orleans … just tell them to stay out.

Problem solved, right?

Nope … casinos still desperately want a shot at the parent’s money, and therein lies their dumb-assical “it doesn’t hurt them if their feet are moving” policy.

This half-assed attempt at having your cake and eating it too is goofy, ineffective, and a complete and utter waste of resources.

I never, ever bring my kids to a casino if I go there to gamble. The only time we go is if I take them to shows, attractions, restaurants, or rides. Sometimes, I do have to take a piss, though. And the 100 slot machines outside of the bathroom will be in view of my kids as they wait for me. The last buffet I took them to had a row of slot machines directly beside the buffet line. You could practically play the machines while standing there waiting. Why was it okay for my kids to stand here? They were within arm’s reach of a slot machine. But if we had walked out of the buffet, and my kid stopped to tie her shoes, THEN security would have been on us like stink on a monkey. For the sake of complete and utter fuck, pick a position and stick with it.

This wishy-washy inconsistency is beneath management. I can walk around the casino in circles with my kid from sun up to sun down and everything is cool, but if I stop to get the wedgie out of my ass … all hell breaks loose.

It’s like allowing a kid in a strip club as long as they look at the naked chicks while walking, and not stopping. “Hey little Johnny, just keep walking around the stripper poll and everything is cool. Just don’t stop at the rail and slip her a single”. Sounds silly, right? Well, this is the exact same rationale the casinos are using.

I understand that these people are just doing their job enforcing a dopey law, but someone needs to point out that this law is not protecting one damn kid from the “evils” of gambling anymore than letting one walk briskly through a strip club protects them from pornography (and don’t even get me started on those public racks of porno on the strip, or the truck/taxi bulletin boards with half-naked chicks).

Either ban kids from the casinos, or stop overreacting like complete douchebags when a kid stops next to a slot machine for a brief period of time as you force the parents to drag them 5 miles through the casino to get to the room, restaurant, show, or whatever.