Alright, I am an East Coast transplant, and it is no secret that I hate, loathe, and despise all things traffic and automobiles. I don’t get the fascination with cars. You pay a buttload of money for the privilege to sit, and sit, and sit, and practically go absolutely nowhere for an hour. Or if you are really lucky, some idiot yapping on a cellphone will rear-end you while not paying attention, your door will get dinged while you are in Walmart, etc, etc. I just do not see the appeal. “Freedom!” people scream. Well, freedom my ass. I can walk in this town faster than you can drive, and I can get off the road whenever I damn well please. You “free” people are the ones trapped in overpriced cages at the full and complete whim of 500,000 other people with questionable IQ’s. And no, I cannot tell the difference between a $12,000 Hyundai or a $60,000 Lexus anymore. They all look like baked potatoes with wheels now, and anyone who pays an extra $48,000 for an emblem is a complete and utter idiot. They just are. I know it, and you know it. If you hate yourself that much, spend the cash on therapy. The car isn’t going to help you.

I was a bike messenger for several years and did not even get a driver’s license until my mid 30’s. So when the Las Vegas Monorail was announced, I was in hog-heaven. Seriously, I envisioned something like the Chicago El, serving all the transportation needs of the Las Vegas Valley. Okay stop laughing. We all know that it didn’t turn out that way. But still, I take the Monorail about 4-5 times per week. It is a 12 minute walk, or 3 minute bus ride to a rail station for me, and it serves enough properties to make it worth my while. Sahara to MGM in 10 minutes. I mean, come on. Unless you have a private helicopter, this is the only way to do that.

Yes the Monorail is the whipping boy of the town, yes “the Las Vegas Monorail” is the punchline to 1,001 jokes. Yes, someday a picture of our Monorail will be in the dictionary beside the word “Failure”, but …. it is still OUR ONLY CHANCE AT A NON-SURFACE TRANSIT SYSTEM IN LAS VEGAS.

Look, it can work. Take it to the airport. Run a loop behind the west strip, or better yet, directly up the strip. Make some feeder rails (like the “S” in Times Square) up Flamingo, Trop, Desert Inn, and Sahara for a few miles in each direction. Run it to Downtown so we can get that “dangerous” feel and smell like the #6 train in the Bronx. But for goodness sake, LOWER THE FARE. When a cab is cheaper than mass transit, you cannot expect people to take mass transit. $25 for a party of five to go from the MGM to Paris, or $8 for the same five people to take the same trip. That is $17 more for the Monorail than the cab. At least attempt to be serious. Unless you start providing lap dances en-route, $5 each way is completely unreasonable … and the riders are telling you that with their dollars … which they are giving to cab drivers.

Look, I have all kinds of ideas, and I am hereby offering my services to the Las Vegas Monorail! I need you to stay running.

Email me and let me know what I can do.